Resume Writing 101: For The New Job Market

Grads, recent grads, kind of recent grads, youngish, oldish, 8 – 80, dropouts, drop-ins, dropped on head, whatever. If you’re in the market for a new job (and you probably are, considering the money you owe someone), I’ve got great news! There’s never been a better time to be a job seeker. Between the stable (and fast-growing) economy, the steady political environment, and the recent news about NEW RESUME STANDARDS, you’re getting in at the perfect time. So bust out your highlighter, or, if you prefer not to print (environmentally friendly, you’ll go far), turn on the highlighter on your i-pad and get ready to take notes from the most complete resume writing white paper ever written.

Job searching, what a pain. I’ve never met a person who was excited about the prospect of the job search. People are excited about new jobs, leaving existing jobs, making/meeting new friends/coworkers, &, of course, buying beer that tastes like something other than Bud Light, with their first big paycheck, but the job search itself, not so much. One of the worst parts of the process is tailoring your resume to each job you’re applying to; it’s a slog that compares favorably to gator wrestling while peeling M&Ms. But no more, welcome to the 21st century’s 1st big paradigm shift in the world of work… resume development.

Writing a perfect resume is not possible—no such animal exists. Anyone who tells you different doesn’t know anything, don’t listen to them. Now that we’ve got that minor detail out of the way, let’s get down to the art & science of writing the almost perfect resume. And for those of you who are wondering, “who is this guy; and what does he know about job searching and resume writing”. Well, I’ve been in the field of work (both the paid and unpaid kinds) for more than 20 years (started when I was 7). I’ve applied to, and been hired by, more than a few outfits and, most importantly, I recently spent 30 minutes in a Human Relations/Human Resources (H.R.²) office. You’d be amazed at what a receptionist will reveal, if you offer them a smile and a piece of gum.

The new H.R.²/hiring facilitator(s)/Director of Recruitment (but not retention)/Fate Controller, no longer questions your qualifications. In their mind, you wouldn’t have applied if you weren’t qualified (and the resume screening software filtered out 99% of the fit and unfit applicants). What they do want to know about is you. Yep, Y. O. U. you. The real you. The person that goes on Instagram and Snapchat, Facebook (if you still use that archaic medium), Twitter (if #politics and #twitterwars #followback #Trumpsaidwhat and all that sort of thing interests you), but not MySpace, if you have an account, delete it, that’s an automatic strike, and you only get four strikes, like baseball, in Canada, in the winter leagues. Most importantly here, the potential employer wants to know HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 5 YEARS. Not where, HOW? So, now that you know what they’re looking for, let’s talk specifics.

1. Names are important. This is the first thing that every recruiter/interviewer/ screener looks at. You might have the most amazing name in the history of names, something like Dax Ulysses Dellanova, aka DUD, but that won’t grab anyone’s attention in H.R.² You need to differentiate yourself by adding a moniker. This is your 1st, and possibly last, opportunity to distinguish yourself from the candidate field.

As an example, I use “Captain America” so as to highlight my commitment to managing others (Captain), and, “America” clearly exhibits my willingness to move anywhere for the job (so long as there are Americans around, and the compensation is adequate). For those looking to land in a particular region, the right name lets H.R.² know that you are willing to move from your beautiful home in Wichita, KS to find gainful employment in Laguna Beach, or Dana Point, or even Newport Beach. A perfect example of this is Lieutenant Left Coast; this signals two things: you are a “command & control” type (particularly good fit for organizations that prefer the rigid environment of a military chain-of-command) and you’re willing to move to Orange County, CA and live within a block or two of the beach (you have grit). On the other hand, if you’re locked in to one specific location, because the pancakes at the Glass City Cafe, in Toledo, are the best pancakes on earth, then maybe something like, Glass City Guy, or Frog Town Fool, or T-Town Timmy (if your name is Tim) would work. The other sure-fire bet is to incorporate a skill set into your catchy sobriquet.

Think about those individuals who chose just the right title to advertise who they are and which skills they possess: Slick Rick, Mother Jones, Moses Malone, Gordon Gekko (I honestly don’t know the connection between Wall St. & small lizards but it worked for him), Pope Francis, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Chesty Puller, Jimmy/James Dean (here again, sausage and pop-idol actor/icon, I don’t get it, but I don’t have to, you need to figure out what works for You). These are but a few examples of people who were/are forward thinking. They found a unique tag and huge success followed because of it (and because they were pretty talented).

2. Working with others, on a team, with real people, is no longer optional in the majority of operations. You need to show-off your ability to work with others. Decades of research have shown that no company achieves greatness (measured in quarterly profit and loss statements) without highly motivated, highly successful teams. As an aside, one question you, the job seeker, should ask the interview team, is – “how often do you have team building exercises?” If the answer is anything less than once a month, kindly thank them for their time, get up, and walk out. Don’t waste your time with an outfit that is obviously headed for bankruptcy.

Back to teams. Discuss, at length, every team you’ve ever been a part of. This includes t-ball, youth gymnastics, chess club, swing choir, Young Republicans, The Drinking Dems (if you were in this club, don’t bring up any specifics and definitely don’t make any references to “Natty Light”, that’s an automatic strike), tailgating crews, corn-hole cooperative, etc. et al. They love listening to this stuff; go on for hours if you can, lay it on thick. Remember it’s always “we”, never “me”.

3. This portion of the resume is where you get to talk about your connections, i.e. people your company could tap if cash-on-hand is running low. Without name-dropping (because that’s considered gauche in an interview, save it for yachting up the coast), casually toss out phrases that include signifiers such as “I spent many summers laying by the pool, at my cousin’s estate in East Hampton” & “my dad said the year I spent in Hong Kong, researching Asian market trends, will pay off when I need to find a real job”. And, if you’re not as well-heeled as all that, you can still reference the annual trips to Sundance & Cannes where you “catch up with mom and dad’s friends from prep school… their work is so timely, so… mmmm… brilliant”. Don’t be shy on this part of the resume, it’s networking at its finest.

4. If you already have work experience (not including the car wash where you used to buy weed and hang out for a few hours before heading to Fat Burger), real, honest-to-goodness work, with coworkers, and a boss, and paychecks… try to remember if any of them ever paid you a work related compliment. In this section of your resume (ACCOMPLISHMENTS!), you can include accolades such as “She did a really great job”, or “That’s outstanding insert your name here, you’re a fast emailer”, or “Wow! You did that? Terrific!” This lets your future employer know that you’re capable of good work, even if you don’t do it everyday. And, if you have more than 3 “atta-boys”, make it a separate section titled “PEOPLE SAID THIS ABOUT ME!” or “TESTIMONIALS!“; that’s really impressive.

5. Education section— this isn’t optional. You know, I know, your friends know, you’re an educated fool with money on your mind. However, your new coworkers don’t want to work with a “Pukey” if they attended UNC or NC State or Wake Forest, or any school that has lost an NCAA tournament game to Duke (which does not include Mercer, Eastern Michigan, V.C.U., & Lehigh); nor would a “Pukey” want to work in that type of hostile environment. The same logic applies to the Wolverines-Buckeyes, Bruins-Trojans, Cardinals-Wildcats, & Tigers-Tide, frenemies.

6. The new layout. Here’s where things really get fun, i.e. the BIGGEST piece of the paradigm shift. For centuries, millenia even, we’ve been taught that font size, font consistency, white space, being succinct, etc, are very important. No more. Think Big; Think One-Size-Fits-All, Think of “the box” as six loosely associated parallelograms hanging out in an area where multiple planes intersect. The new resume is FUN. Use 8 different fonts; 10 different font sizes; 15 colors; add links to your favorite work related songs and non-work related songs; make it 25, 30, 100 pages in length; include a brief description of how you picked your spirit animal and why you prefer white wine to scotch; emojisPineapple on Apple iOS 9.3 Woman Dancing: Medium Skin Tone on Apple iOS 10.3 Palm Tree on Apple iOS 10.3  Hibiscus on Apple iOS 10.3 Sailboat on Apple iOS 10.3 Octopus on Apple iOS 10.3 are in; exclamation points are encouraged!!; and mention a couple items of office gossip (use employees’ pet names) so they know you have connections on the inside… write a book; chances are nobody will ever see it anyway, it’ll be screened out with the other 1,500 resumes from hard charging job seekers. So go wild (writing can be very cathartic).

Action photos have replaced headshots and are now commonplace with Fortune 500 applicants

7. Add a picture or six. This used to be appropriate only for those industries where a pretty face was considered essential for the position (television newscaster, actor, cheerleader, banker, candy striper, male escort, realtor, etc.) but today’s work setting requires employers to not only assess whether or not your skills, personality, social media game, and activity levels will be a good fit with the liveware already employed but also if your image (to include your sense of style) is going to be cause for daily conversations/work stoppages revolving around your choice of headwear. Additionally, include pictures that are not of you. Do you have friends that look like they would fit in with the culture at the place you’re hoping to be hired? Include their photo. And Beagles, great breed, very popular with most hiring managers, they’re people oriented dogs with a great demeanor— make that connection for H.R.², don’t assume they’ll know you based on your 10,000 words alone. One other category of photo to consider is the “artistic you”. Any great shots of brick next to grass, in lowlight, blending bokeh, soft, and blurry into one image, like you were drunk and accidentally snapping photos as you fell to the ground, those are perfect. This shows your creative side; and if we know anything about the future of work, we know that creativity is our last best hope to stave off the relentless pursuit of bright young minds around the globe (teamwork only goes so far, we aren’t doing any team building exercises with the Swedes).

Bokeh & Blurry – Minneapolis, Lake Street, Southside, dusk, sunset, dirty bus window filter

After completing your masterpiece and sending it out into the interweb, do yourself a favor, hand deliver a second copy to the person in charge. Walk it right into their office and give them a copy (with a $20 bill paper-clipped to the top, not folded, make it conspicuous). This lets the boss(es) know you’re serious about your desire to work for their company. More than likely this won’t get you a job (or even an interview), but it will make you feel like you’ve done everything in your power and well, that’s something.

Good luck as you begin your quest for gainful and meaningful employment. A few last pieces of advice. Don’t be afraid to ask Google if you aren’t sure about something; but remember, Google doesn’t have all the answers. Don’t take every piece of advice that is given regardless of the source; some people don’t realize that their “skills” had nothing to do with their successful job hunt. And last, whatever you do, don’t give up; this process can take a decade or longer and include many sidequests, false-starts, and shitty days. Ever Forward job seekers!

Call people who know people. Networking is key, even with a great resume.
This is tongue in cheek, sarcasm, not real, but glean from it what makes sense, a few ideas aren’t so far from reality.

 

how not to get a job

  1. finish college 10-15 years after high school (taking courses along the way, in a variety of subject areas is especially helpful, makes people think you don’t know what you want to do, and the more variety the better, mix in arts, history, refrigeration & air conditioning repair, agriculture/horticulture, several languages, the more the merrier), this reinforces the mistaken belief that you are lazy, and stupid, and probably not worth an interview
  2. get a masters degree shortly after finishing undergrad (and be sure to spend a lot of time completing the readings for your courses, nobody cares but it keeps your brain sharp, which is really handy when arguing on facebook), this ploy adds veracity to the “lazy” narrative because who would go on to grad school when they have student loans from undergrad
  3. don’t build a “network” because as we know, networks are the key to 99% of potential job opportunities
  4. spend lots of time reading and researching (i.e. getting smart), again, for the facebook forums, and occasional “face-to-face” interactions with other humans, like at a wedding, or happy hour function, where you can brag about not having a job)
  5. don’t spend too much time with other humans—socializing etc. (this is a form of networking and is frowned upon by those who are not looking for employment)
  6. keep your eyes/ears open for potential jobs that you are equipped to do but have no chance at landing because you have no network at stated businesses, this makes people think you’re “trying” to find work, which is really important when looking for sympathy from family, friends, former classmates who are employed et al.
  7. read a lot, it prevents you from having to interact (network) and keeps your mind sharp in case the day ever comes that you do want to get a job (unlikely for independently wealthy folk like you, but hey, why take the chance of being unprepared)
  8. make sure to keep your linkedin profile up-to-date and post, share, comment, and “like” everything so that people know you haven’t died and are still not gainfully employed
  9. post lots of “fun” pics on multiple social media sites so as to reinforce all the fun you’re having not being employed (it also makes others feel bad about the fact that they’re working while you’re out having “fun”…not working)
  10. when forced into awkward social settings (happy hours, non-happy hours, hours that are neither happy nor non-happy), inquire about others’ jobs and make sure that you are not smirking/withholding laughter etc. when they ask if you’d like them to set-up something, an informational interview, coffee with a coworker, something that will provide you with insights into their world of work (you don’t want them to know that you aren’t actually searching for a job)
  11. when asked “how’s the job search going?” reply, (most sincerely), “well, you know, it’s a tough market, the economy is still recovering, these things take time but I’m keeping my chin up and something will come along soon”, then offer to buy them a beer, so as to confuse them
  12. join a military service and make sure that your military occupational specialty (MOS) doesn’t easily translate into the “mainstream/corporate” sectors; this ensures that you’ll receive lots of attention for your military service but no job offers, which is exactly what military personnel are hoping for after serving their country
  13. spend several years mastering a “trade” that teaches skills that are “irrelevant” (read: time management, attention to detail, being ‘ethical’, and other weird stuff that isn’t valued in the larger “world-of-work” community)
  14. get intimate with wine & cheese and other trappings of the “upper-classes” so that you can convince everyone that you are doing “just fine” (example: using your best “Mr. Howell III” voice, “..in fact, we just had a fabulous 1990 Barolo the other night, yes, Gaja, uhhh Gorgeous, paired it with a ribeye (what else would you pair that with, silly question), amaaaaaazing! need to tell Robert Parker, I know he’s interested in hearing what I have to say about this”), lay it on thick
  15. keep up with multiple “bandwagon” teams, this lets everyone know that you spend a lot of time hanging out in your pajamas watching ESPN, reading Sports Illustrated, keeping up with The Undefeated and other great sports pages; you are most definitely not in need of a job, who in their right mind would give up all of this sports stuff for work #GoCubbies #NineteenOhEight #SkolVikings #WarriorsandCavs #PunchEmPenguins #GoCards (that’s what Mr. Hicks, a real Cardinals fan, would say), & on & on you go
  16. And finally (yes, I’m ending on “16” because it’s 2016 and when one doesn’t need a job, they do whatever they want), spend a lot of time with animals; cats, dogs, squirrels, chipmunks, birds, emus, whatever, so long as you’re gainfully unemployed, you can talk with the animals, find out what their long-term plans are in their specific job markets, just kind of hang out… of course some of the conversation will be lost in translation but the non-verbal cues should help

Whatever you do, don’t put out any signals that you are “looking” for work, that really puts a damper on remaining unemployed. Good Luck with your endeavor and let me know if you stumble upon a particularly difficult scenario (such as a job offer at a happy hour, tough, but not impossible, to get out of)

Graduation: 2009 Morgan State University - Looking to the Future
Graduation: 2009 Morgan State University – Looking to the Future