how not to get a job

  1. finish college 10-15 years after high school (taking courses along the way, in a variety of subject areas is especially helpful, makes people think you don’t know what you want to do, and the more variety the better, mix in arts, history, refrigeration & air conditioning repair, agriculture/horticulture, several languages, the more the merrier), this reinforces the mistaken belief that you are lazy, and stupid, and probably not worth an interview
  2. get a masters degree shortly after finishing undergrad (and be sure to spend a lot of time completing the readings for your courses, nobody cares but it keeps your brain sharp, which is really handy when arguing on facebook), this ploy adds veracity to the “lazy” narrative because who would go on to grad school when they have student loans from undergrad
  3. don’t build a “network” because as we know, networks are the key to 99% of potential job opportunities
  4. spend lots of time reading and researching (i.e. getting smart), again, for the facebook forums, and occasional “face-to-face” interactions with other humans, like at a wedding, or happy hour function, where you can brag about not having a job)
  5. don’t spend too much time with other humans—socializing etc. (this is a form of networking and is frowned upon by those who are not looking for employment)
  6. keep your eyes/ears open for potential jobs that you are equipped to do but have no chance at landing because you have no network at stated businesses, this makes people think you’re “trying” to find work, which is really important when looking for sympathy from family, friends, former classmates who are employed et al.
  7. read a lot, it prevents you from having to interact (network) and keeps your mind sharp in case the day ever comes that you do want to get a job (unlikely for independently wealthy folk like you, but hey, why take the chance of being unprepared)
  8. make sure to keep your linkedin profile up-to-date and post, share, comment, and “like” everything so that people know you haven’t died and are still not gainfully employed
  9. post lots of “fun” pics on multiple social media sites so as to reinforce all the fun you’re having not being employed (it also makes others feel bad about the fact that they’re working while you’re out having “fun”…not working)
  10. when forced into awkward social settings (happy hours, non-happy hours, hours that are neither happy nor non-happy), inquire about others’ jobs and make sure that you are not smirking/withholding laughter etc. when they ask if you’d like them to set-up something, an informational interview, coffee with a coworker, something that will provide you with insights into their world of work (you don’t want them to know that you aren’t actually searching for a job)
  11. when asked “how’s the job search going?” reply, (most sincerely), “well, you know, it’s a tough market, the economy is still recovering, these things take time but I’m keeping my chin up and something will come along soon”, then offer to buy them a beer, so as to confuse them
  12. join a military service and make sure that your military occupational specialty (MOS) doesn’t easily translate into the “mainstream/corporate” sectors; this ensures that you’ll receive lots of attention for your military service but no job offers, which is exactly what military personnel are hoping for after serving their country
  13. spend several years mastering a “trade” that teaches skills that are “irrelevant” (read: time management, attention to detail, being ‘ethical’, and other weird stuff that isn’t valued in the larger “world-of-work” community)
  14. get intimate with wine & cheese and other trappings of the “upper-classes” so that you can convince everyone that you are doing “just fine” (example: using your best “Mr. Howell III” voice, “..in fact, we just had a fabulous 1990 Barolo the other night, yes, Gaja, uhhh Gorgeous, paired it with a ribeye (what else would you pair that with, silly question), amaaaaaazing! need to tell Robert Parker, I know he’s interested in hearing what I have to say about this”), lay it on thick
  15. keep up with multiple “bandwagon” teams, this lets everyone know that you spend a lot of time hanging out in your pajamas watching ESPN, reading Sports Illustrated, keeping up with The Undefeated and other great sports pages; you are most definitely not in need of a job, who in their right mind would give up all of this sports stuff for work #GoCubbies #NineteenOhEight #SkolVikings #WarriorsandCavs #PunchEmPenguins #GoCards (that’s what Mr. Hicks, a real Cardinals fan, would say), & on & on you go
  16. And finally (yes, I’m ending on “16” because it’s 2016 and when one doesn’t need a job, they do whatever they want), spend a lot of time with animals; cats, dogs, squirrels, chipmunks, birds, emus, whatever, so long as you’re gainfully unemployed, you can talk with the animals, find out what their long-term plans are in their specific job markets, just kind of hang out… of course some of the conversation will be lost in translation but the non-verbal cues should help

Whatever you do, don’t put out any signals that you are “looking” for work, that really puts a damper on remaining unemployed. Good Luck with your endeavor and let me know if you stumble upon a particularly difficult scenario (such as a job offer at a happy hour, tough, but not impossible, to get out of)

Graduation: 2009 Morgan State University - Looking to the Future
Graduation: 2009 Morgan State University – Looking to the Future